My Story
When I first found out that I was pregnant,  I was very happy. It took some time for
Steve to get used to it.  When I had my first prenatal visit at 12 weeks, the mid-wife
could not find the heartbeat. So, she hooked me up to the ultrasound machine and we
saw it. She was concerned why the baby implanted itself high in the uterus. She had me
worried about that. I didnt' understand what that had to do with anything. Anyway,
that visit was horrible. There's more to it, but  I won't go into further detail.
However, the following visits I was told there was nothing to worry about. My blood
pressue was high and they found protein in my urine so they classified me as high risk
and I was seen more often. My blood pressure seemed to get better in the second
trimester. (I had Pregnancy Induced Hypertension with my first child, but not with my
2nd or 3rd). I did have morning sickness starting around 7 weeks (as I did with my
other ones, too), but that went away after a few months. However, with this
pregnancy, I had a nagging sharp pain under my left rib, but the doctor said it was my
"spleen", that the baby was pushing on it.  To this day, I do not know if that was it or
not.
When I had an ultrasound done at 16 weeks, we were told it was a BOY and Steve was
thrilled about it. I was happy, too. Starting at 32 weeks,I got an ultrasound every
week and also non-stress tests twice a week since I was high risk  and everything
always came out fine.  
On October 26, 2001, Friday, I had my 38 week prenatal visit. My blood pressure was
high then and they told me bedrest. They were to induce me the following week, but
the doctor said I may be induced sooner if my blood pressure continued to be a
problem. I was going to go back on Monday. They said my cervix was not ripe or
inducible that day (Fri.). I had my ultrasound (measured fluid) and non-stress test and
that turned out fine. So, I went home and tried to take it easy, but that's hard to do
with the kids around. On the next day, Saturday, I started having some mild
contractions that afternoon. I thought "wow, maybe I'll actually go into labor all by  
myself this time!" (That never happen before because I was induced with my other 3
kids) Well, those contractions stopped. Later that night, I was upset about something.
I got up around 3 AM and sat in the recliner chair and watched Tv.(which was now
Sunday). I started having some very mild contractions again, but then it seemed to
stop again.  After a while, I got up to get a shower and I fell down while getting up.
After my shower, I sat back down and after a while the contractions started again. It
seems like it started getting strong pretty fast. The contractions were not so many
minutes apart anymore. It was just a constant pain and I knew I had to get to the
hospital. I made a few phone calls to make arrangements for my kids to go to their
friends' house. Then Steve took me to the hospital. I think I got to the hospital around
7 AM, maybe a little sooner.
When I got to the hospital, they hooked me up to the monitor and couldn't detect a
heartbeat, so then they hooked me up to the ultrasound and the doctor looked at it for
a while. I saw my dead baby on the ultrasound. He said the reason for death was
placenta abruption. I later found out the cord was wrapped around his neck, but that
was not the cause of death.  I had to continue on with my labor. I wanted an epidural
and they said I could have one, but my blood work came back abnormal, so I could not
have one. So, I continued with my labor and delivered Dylan vaginally at 10:37 AM.. He
was a beautiful baby weighing 7 lbs. 2 oz.  I held him for a short time, but not too long
cause I was feeling weak. Steve held him for quite a while. When he saw his precious
face, he was a proud father. This was our first child together and we were both
heartbroken. Anyway, I started to hemmorage a lot and ended up in ICU and needed
blood transfusions.  I hated the thought of blood transfusions, but I would not be here
today if not for that and also prayers going out for me. After I stabalized, I was put in
a room. Steve and I got to spend more time with Dylan. We are so thankful that we got
to spend time holding him.
We miss Dylan so much and I have asked WHY so many times. WHY did this happen?
According to the doctor, it was a freak thing. He said I had no risk factors. I don't
smoke (although Steve does), I don't do drugs, ETC. Even though high blood pressue IS
a risk factor, he said it wasn't high enough to cause the abruption. Well, I don't think I
can believe that. How do they know that my blood pressue didn't get even higher at
some point (like maybe when I was sleeping?). I still think my high blood pressure may
have been a cause. I also think my fall could have been a cause, although they think I
didn't fall hard enough for that to happen. Nobody knows why it happened, so I need to
just accept it. But it's hard to accept that there are no answers as to why this
happened. I have gone over in my mind so many times. IF only...if only they kept me
there instead of sending me home on Friday. He was alive 2 days before his stillbirth
at my doctor visit. When I had my doctor visit on Friday, little did I know 2 days later
Dylan would be dead. I have put the blame on many things and people, including myself. I
think about several different possibilities as to why this happened.  But I will never
know the reason for sure.
We had a funeral for Dylan and of course that will be a day to always remember. Many
people showed up. We had some friends and some people from church and our family
there.  Also, a lot of military (Steve's work) showed up and I did not know most of
them.  Even my labor/delivery nurse  came. We were so fortunate and blessed to have
so much support from caring people. After the funeral service, we had Dylan
transported and we had him buried in central FL near family since we knew we wouldn't
be staying at Eglin AFB for much longer.  I keep his pictures in the living room along
with a poem. I know people think I should just get on with my life, but it's hard and I
refuse to let his memory die. And when I see or hear of a baby around Dylan's age, it
upsets me. Many people may judge me for keeping out his pictures, etc.and do not
understand why I can't just put this behind me, but it's hard for people to understand
unless they have gone through it themselves. I think about Dylan each and every day
and like to talk about him often. If it were possible, I would gladly take back my
swollen feet,  that pain I had under my rib so much, my acid relux and my fat stomach.
I would take all of that back just to have him alive again, and I would love to feel him
kick and move again, if that were possible. My life feels like something is missing and I
feel so empty. I am thankful for the 3 children I already have, but still someone is
missing and that  someone is Dylan. I would love to have another baby, but don't know if
we ever will and even if we do, it will never replace Dylan. I don't think the pain will
ever go away. He will always be part of our family, even though he's in Heaven now. We
love him so much and we will see him again someday, but for now we miss Dylan very
much and he will remain in our hearts forever.
As I write this addition, it has now been 7 months since we lost Dylan. I continue to
think about him each and every single day of my life and my heart still aches to have him
here. But I have tried to get on with my life. I still have my moments when I cry, but
they are not as often as they were at first. But I still love him and miss him just as
much. I know that the pain will never go away and my life will NEVER be the same again
since Dylan existed. He is still part of our family and always will be. His pictures are out
along with my other children's pictures and my kids still count him as their brother. Only
he is in Heaven instead of here on earth with us.
We are now expecting another baby on Dec. 13, 2002.  To be honest, I am very scared.
After I had Dylan, the doctor told me that there is a small chance this could happen
again, but most likely it won't. So, I guess the odds are that I have a good chance this
time at having this baby without my previous problem. But there's still the fear that it
COULD happen again, even if the chances are small. You just never know. I am happy that
God is giving us another chance to have another baby, but I cannot be really happy yet,  
until I give birth to a healthy, normal LIVE baby and get to bring him/her home from the
hospital,  because my fear is getting in the way.. Dylan certainly looked normal and
healthy, but he was not alive and I still can't figure out why I carried him for 8 and 1/2
months, only to have him taken away from me. All I can do is hope and pray that this
pregnancy will not have any complications this time and that we will have a happy ending
for both me and the baby.
After some time has passed....
                     Update:
   Ryan Jacob Lee was born on Dec. 2, 2002
   at 12:33 PM weighing 7 lbs. 2 oz.
    We are so very blessed to have him.
There were no complications with my pregnancy with Ryan. But since they knew how
worried and anxious I was, I was induced at 38 weeks. The labor was only 4 hours, but I
wish the epidural would have worked! :-(  We had a few scares during labor. I thought I
was going to lose him a few times when his heart beat went down too low, it sounded like
it stopped. The cord was wrapped around his neck twice and this is what caused it. When
I would have a contraction, the cord was compressed. Anyway, despite the scares,
everything turned out okay! We know that God was watching over him and so was his
brother Dylan! :-) Oh, and by the way, we brought Dylan's photo album to the hospital to
share with some people. Dylan and Ryan are only 13 months apart and we think they look  
alot alike.  Well, after all, they ARE brothers! We are enjoying Ryan very much and
sometimes I get sad and think that all the things I'm enjoying about Ryan, I have missed
out on with Dylan. I still think of Dylan every day. Dylan will always be my precious angel
son.
There IS Hope after a
Tragedy!